i ate beef, er, my words

There was a beef burrito in a bean burrito disguise tonight at baldwin and I ate him. I hope you don't read all that I said yesterday and think I don't really mean what I say when I say I love animals and that I haven't eaten meat since the 11th. Those are both true. But Katrina gave me permission to be carnivorous again. She said she'd rather see me enjoy what I am eating than gag over wierd things like that flatbread, humus dripping, tofu packed something or other that I ate for lunch. So I ate the beef and bean burrito tonight because I didn't feel bad at all doing it. I honestly wanted the beans (which is one advancement in my vegetarian pursuits). The beef was just an extra; an unwanted extra really. Baldwin just doesn't always cater to the non-meat eating people. I regreted it immediately. It was disgusting. But I didn't want to wait in the quesadilla line after that, so I ate it.

To those who are wondering about the whole lent thing (Jason?), I feel guilty even mentioning it. I am not doing this for God. I am not even sure I am doing this for myself. Sometimes I think I am only doing this so I'll have the ability to eat salad at formal occasions and not be the little kid who sheepishly pushes it aside, or tugs on my mom's sleeve and whispers "mom, can you eat this for me?" So that's another reason why I think I should eat meat again, in small amounts. I'll only eat it if it is an "extra" alongside the vegetable. It's the vegetable I want to get myself to eat.

For anyone reading this who has no clue what I am talking about and wonders if I have gone insane, well, I have.
For the past few nights, I have had dreams about eating meat. The first night, it was pizza with sausage and pepperoni on it. I didn't want to pick them off, so I ate them.
The second night, it was much more disturbing... I was a cow. I walked on my hind legs like a human. I was with some tourist group (of humans, and a few of us cows) and we were touring the factory that kills the cows. I had no problem with it. It was just a reality of life. I walked along rubbing my cow chin and going "hmm" as they showed us the conveyer belts and the death devices (I'm glad I don't really remember that part of the dream). We were all very intrigued. I looked over at my friend cow. We all had "My name is" name tags and his said "certified organic." For some reason this meant that he would not get killed. He gave me a nod and I looked away, jealous that I wasn't organic too... whatever that meant.
The whole time, there is a narrator in the dream, telling about how wonderful this factory was. I found out that we were taping for a commercial and I was in it! Then the commercial switched to a hospital scene. There lay on a hospital bed, complete with the hospital gown, a fellow cow with his head taped on with a bunch of tape wrapped around his neck. (This is where you may begin to worry about me and my sanity) I heard the narrator say, "And it's ok if our cows' heads fall off because all of them are 'saved.'" There were some more disturbing events after that that I am not comfortable sharing. But, what the heck was that all about?!?! Saved cows? Heads falling off? And that's just ok?
The third night of the meat-eating dreams, I think I ate a beef stick or something.

I love it. I amuse myself.