Disclaimer: If you can't wait to leave college, this isn't for you to read. You'll just think I'm full of crap and that I'm trying to make a huge deal out of just another reality of life. You'll think I'm being too sentimental and flowery. So do me a favor and don't read this if that's you.
I am sitting here in my room typing on a keyboard that sits alone in my top drawer with some loose change. My desk is otherwise empty. My room is empty except for the crates on the floor filled with stuff ready to take home. Katrina moved out tonight and it feels so wierd to look at her corner of the room and accept the fact that she's not coming back. We've lived together for four years now and saying goodbye this time was strange. I can't say that I'll see her next fall. I hate changes.
I laid in bed last night forcing my eyes to stay open, memorizing every corner of our room before it got all packed up and before Katrina moved out, thinking if I stayed awake and memorized it, it would never leave me. I am too easily attached. Change is exciting, but only once I get over the initial shock of losing something comfortable and familiar.
I had to write down all that I was feeling because words finally came to describe it all...
I've heard it said that some are looking forward to never looking back. As I lay here thinking about these four years, I realize I seem to be looking forward to never letting go. I wrap myself around my body pillow, my "husband" I called it freshman year, and I glance around every corner of the room.
Wild light displays slide across the ceiling from cars driving by, lighting areas of the room I missed. My eyes dart back and forth, taking still frames, capturing every piece of this memory
and holding it so it cannot get away. I memorize the familiar shadows. They've been faithful to me, remaining the same all year. When I lay on my back each night and pray, my eyes converse with the forms of this room. And these forms I will not forget.
I want to lay here till sunrise and let the sun steal the shadows away from me because I am unwilling to give them up myself. And I'm afraid to sleep because I fear memories will pack up and sneak out in the dark of the night when I'm not looking.
So I lay here, holding my husband and holding everything hostage.
Katrina sleeps in the bed beneath me. As long as I lie here awake, our last night living together after four years will never end. The sun can only steal that away from me too.
I know soon I will be drifting into sleep and this final night will sneak out. And I will be alone in this room for three days and then I will say farewell to the shadows. They will change when Katrina moves out. I bid farewell to these ones tonight and I will glance down and see Katrina sleeping in the bed below and I will say bye to her too.
But all ends are new beginnings. That's what keeps us moving. We finally learn the journey was the purpose of the destination, not the other way around. We find that once we reach any real destination, we must make new plans for another one because the destination we found only ends up being a load of crap.
The journey's been great. This destination is so sad that I've decided I need to start the next journey as soon as I can. I will go to sleep now and let the shadows go home. I'm ready to start that next journey now.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
All good things come to an end
The following is proof that I have completed my college career. I guess a picture at graduation would be better proof, but this is all I have to offer right now. You have to start at the bottom of the pictures. I got a little carried away...
Thursday, April 21, 2005
oh no...
I figured out how to do the whole picture thingy...
Do you know what that means? It's going to be overload on the pictures. It's going to be like when you visit your granddad's girlfriend's house and she wants to show you every picture of her grandchildren's piano recitals and studio portraits. Yet you have the option of getting away.
(but I know you won't... I know you're curious to see what I put on here. Will you be in a picture? Wait and see...)
Do you know what that means? It's going to be overload on the pictures. It's going to be like when you visit your granddad's girlfriend's house and she wants to show you every picture of her grandchildren's piano recitals and studio portraits. Yet you have the option of getting away.
(but I know you won't... I know you're curious to see what I put on here. Will you be in a picture? Wait and see...)
I have a future!
It's official. I can now say with much confidence that I do have a job after graduation. The problem is, this only covers my next four months... not sure what I'll do after that.
I graduate from IWU next saturday and leave the next morning for three weeks in California on the Pacific Crest Trail with one of my professors and three other students and then I come back home for a week and then head out to Utah... to stay till September! So many amazing opportunities ahead of me that I don't deserve!
I will be working at Zion National Park in Springdale, Utah, which is in the southwest corner of the state. I'm not sure yet where they're going to place me. I could be washing dishes. I could be making beds in the lodge. I could be a waitress or a front desk worker. Whatever it is, I get to live in this beautiful place, surrounded by red rock walls and deep red dirt. There are many canyons to explore and waterfalls and streams going through them. It sounds like the most amazing place on earth. While working for the park, I am also a part of a ministry team. There will be three of us. And we hold worship services outside in the park every Sunday for visitors. We'll just be providing a place of worship for all those people who have just returned from a hike around the rocks and can't help but think of God anyway. This will be a great chance to work on preaching and leading services and... maybe singing... The other two people on my team are guys, so if there is ever a need for a female voice as we lead worship, it just might be me. Hope people don't mind if it's not the most pleasant voice. God told me it's ok. He likes it.
I'm going to try to put a picture on here if I ever get it figured out. Someone teach me, please.
I graduate from IWU next saturday and leave the next morning for three weeks in California on the Pacific Crest Trail with one of my professors and three other students and then I come back home for a week and then head out to Utah... to stay till September! So many amazing opportunities ahead of me that I don't deserve!
I will be working at Zion National Park in Springdale, Utah, which is in the southwest corner of the state. I'm not sure yet where they're going to place me. I could be washing dishes. I could be making beds in the lodge. I could be a waitress or a front desk worker. Whatever it is, I get to live in this beautiful place, surrounded by red rock walls and deep red dirt. There are many canyons to explore and waterfalls and streams going through them. It sounds like the most amazing place on earth. While working for the park, I am also a part of a ministry team. There will be three of us. And we hold worship services outside in the park every Sunday for visitors. We'll just be providing a place of worship for all those people who have just returned from a hike around the rocks and can't help but think of God anyway. This will be a great chance to work on preaching and leading services and... maybe singing... The other two people on my team are guys, so if there is ever a need for a female voice as we lead worship, it just might be me. Hope people don't mind if it's not the most pleasant voice. God told me it's ok. He likes it.
I'm going to try to put a picture on here if I ever get it figured out. Someone teach me, please.
Monday, April 11, 2005
babysitter for hire
I was sitting in front of my computer today, reading the Monday Memo as all good religion students do, and I saw this wonderful ad: (names changed... I'm attacking the concept, not the church)
Blabla Friends Church, 15 minutes east of campus, is seeking a youth pastor to attend Sunday morning worship, lead both junior high and senior high school youth groups, attend extra curricular activities of the youth and spend free time with them. 10-12 hours weekly. $850 monthly salary. Contact Mr. Blabla at (765) 628-blaa or the church (765) 628-blaa or e-mail: blablabla@blablanet.
I know they meant no harm. I know they didn't want a babysitter because they would have just said "babysitter" and not "youth pastor." But might they as well have? I know this is nothing new. I know I'm not being profound. Who needs that when we're already ignoring the truth we know? This has been an irritation to me for some time, but I just sucked it up and dealt with it. That's what youth ministry has come down to, right? The parents drop the kids off and you have to find some good ways to entertain them (they can be a tough crowd...). And you figure you might as well throw in a bit of your spiritual beliefs since you have that captive audience and all. I know, I know. There are some pretty amazing youth ministries going on right inside the church and some pretty incredible youth pastors along with some extremely devoted parents. It does happen.
But I don't want to get sucked into a babysitting job after I graduate. I just won't. If I really wanted to attend extracurricular activities and hang out with young people, I'd just rather save myself the humiliation of being called something I'm not and just do it instead on my own time.
That's my irritation with youth ministry right now. I know it's probably caused by my fears of the coming doom of graduation and practicums that were done half-heartedly because I knew they were for a season and a grade and I know God could still be calling me to youth ministry someday. But I refuse to be a babysitter. Somehow, I'll draw that line. I want to be a dreamer and I want to cause the youth to dream. I want the Church to see young people as more than a possibility, but a promise, that they can and will make the difference in this world, now and in the years to come. I want to be inspirational and I want to be inspired. (this is all just a bunch of lovely, wishy-washy words. I really don't know how to write what I want to be or how I plan on "ministering" instead of "sitting")
Does anyone else have an idea how to draw this line?
Blabla Friends Church, 15 minutes east of campus, is seeking a youth pastor to attend Sunday morning worship, lead both junior high and senior high school youth groups, attend extra curricular activities of the youth and spend free time with them. 10-12 hours weekly. $850 monthly salary. Contact Mr. Blabla at (765) 628-blaa or the church (765) 628-blaa or e-mail: blablabla@blablanet.
I know they meant no harm. I know they didn't want a babysitter because they would have just said "babysitter" and not "youth pastor." But might they as well have? I know this is nothing new. I know I'm not being profound. Who needs that when we're already ignoring the truth we know? This has been an irritation to me for some time, but I just sucked it up and dealt with it. That's what youth ministry has come down to, right? The parents drop the kids off and you have to find some good ways to entertain them (they can be a tough crowd...). And you figure you might as well throw in a bit of your spiritual beliefs since you have that captive audience and all. I know, I know. There are some pretty amazing youth ministries going on right inside the church and some pretty incredible youth pastors along with some extremely devoted parents. It does happen.
But I don't want to get sucked into a babysitting job after I graduate. I just won't. If I really wanted to attend extracurricular activities and hang out with young people, I'd just rather save myself the humiliation of being called something I'm not and just do it instead on my own time.
That's my irritation with youth ministry right now. I know it's probably caused by my fears of the coming doom of graduation and practicums that were done half-heartedly because I knew they were for a season and a grade and I know God could still be calling me to youth ministry someday. But I refuse to be a babysitter. Somehow, I'll draw that line. I want to be a dreamer and I want to cause the youth to dream. I want the Church to see young people as more than a possibility, but a promise, that they can and will make the difference in this world, now and in the years to come. I want to be inspirational and I want to be inspired. (this is all just a bunch of lovely, wishy-washy words. I really don't know how to write what I want to be or how I plan on "ministering" instead of "sitting")
Does anyone else have an idea how to draw this line?
Monday, April 04, 2005
bananas, the happy fruit!
Anyone who's known me for some time knows that I have somewhat of an obsession with the yellow fruit. My reasons? I'm not really sure, but these might be some of them...
-First of all, they are yellow. Who doesn't become instantly happy when they see things yellow?
-Second, they're just fun to eat. And when the dirty boys in 6th grade were going around asking people "which condiments do you enjoy on your weiner?" I was asking "How many times do you peel your banana?" I thought this was equally hilarious. But the person usually said "um... four?" and waited for the punch line as I walked away giggling to myself.
-Third, they are naturally shaped like a smile! (sadly, 6th grade health teachers have tainted our view of the banana shape with their instructional "demonstrations")
-And fourth: Everytime I eat a banana I get to wear that sticker for the rest of the day enjoying the respect others try to gain by wearing "I gave blood today" stickers... but the banana stickers are from such foreign places as Guatemala and Ecuador, so they're a bit cooler.
My friend Becky sent some of these facts to me and since I don't have any time to write lately, I thought I might as well share this instead... (these are just some of them)
Bananas. Containing three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fiber, a banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy. Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes.
But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet. Depression: According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.
Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brainpower. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.
Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.
Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) (this is me): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer, tryptophan.
Warts: Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape!
When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around. So maybe its time to change that well known phrase so that we say, "A banana a day keeps the doctor away!"
-First of all, they are yellow. Who doesn't become instantly happy when they see things yellow?
-Second, they're just fun to eat. And when the dirty boys in 6th grade were going around asking people "which condiments do you enjoy on your weiner?" I was asking "How many times do you peel your banana?" I thought this was equally hilarious. But the person usually said "um... four?" and waited for the punch line as I walked away giggling to myself.
-Third, they are naturally shaped like a smile! (sadly, 6th grade health teachers have tainted our view of the banana shape with their instructional "demonstrations")
-And fourth: Everytime I eat a banana I get to wear that sticker for the rest of the day enjoying the respect others try to gain by wearing "I gave blood today" stickers... but the banana stickers are from such foreign places as Guatemala and Ecuador, so they're a bit cooler.
My friend Becky sent some of these facts to me and since I don't have any time to write lately, I thought I might as well share this instead... (these are just some of them)
Bananas. Containing three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fiber, a banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy. Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes.
But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet. Depression: According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.
Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brainpower. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.
Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.
Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) (this is me): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer, tryptophan.
Warts: Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape!
When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around. So maybe its time to change that well known phrase so that we say, "A banana a day keeps the doctor away!"
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