Wow, I finally feel like I'm not homeless. I decided after two months of living in Zion that I'd get a PO Box so I can use it this last month I'll be here. My address if anyone wants to send a little greeting is:
Juli Neff
PO Box 973
Springdale, UT 84767
Think that's right. If it's not, the mail will get to me anyway. I like being in a small town. The post office lady knows me and always asks about my job. The job's going pretty well. I have my moments (and they're increasing) when I really want to go home. I don't miss Ohio especially. I just miss the familiar people. Even after being out here for 3 months, I still find it hard to feel known. People know me and I know them but they only know me 3 months old. They don't know my past. They don't know the dork I was in middle school. They don't even know the whatever I was in college. They don't know my family or my friends. They only know the Juli I have been since coming out to Utah and what if it's the wrong Juli? What if I sort of forgot who I was and have been faking my identity since? They wouldn't know the difference. I want to be with people who know the difference. People who can remind me of who I am when I forget. I forget a lot. I do appreciate the friends I've made out here though. I just feel ready to see the old ones again. I'm sure I'll miss this place so much once I'm gone but I'm ready to go home. I miss my dog.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Saturday, August 13, 2005
lightning strikes
Last night I was driving back from Hurricane and watched the most amazing sky I have ever seen. I kept thinking of reasons to stop even though I needed to get back. First, I stopped at a gas station to use the bathroom, then I decided it was a good time to check my oil (even though the wind was swirling around me like Kansas and almost blew my hood shut on my fingers), and then I stopped again at another gas station (this time, I figured I'd really fill up my tank). Then I drove by La Verkin overlook and decided I'd turn down that road and watch the night sky up on the ridge, but reality got ahold of me too fast and told me that was a stupid idea to sit up on a mountain ridge with lightning all around me. So I headed back to Zion. I felt like I was walking down the red carpet and camaras were all on me and flashing all around me. But instead, I was driving the curvy desert roads with a storm that seemed to stretch all of Utah.
Defeated, I drove back into the canyon, where the cool lightning was hidden behind the rock walls and I could only see the light sometimes. Couldn't stand it, so Jeff, one of my housemates, and I decided to go for a drive and find a good place for pictures. So we drove, and drove, and realized the only good place would be somewhere up high, where we'd be stupid to be. But we drove to none other than LaVerkin overlook and sat up on the mountain ridge, overlooking the city, with lightning in front of us, behind us, and above us. Another one of the stupider things I've ever done, but it seems the stupidest things are the most rewarding.
Jeff got some incredible pictures and I hope to steal some and put them on here. I'd never seen lightning like this. It was eerie and silent, but the clouds were on fire. I love the west.
Defeated, I drove back into the canyon, where the cool lightning was hidden behind the rock walls and I could only see the light sometimes. Couldn't stand it, so Jeff, one of my housemates, and I decided to go for a drive and find a good place for pictures. So we drove, and drove, and realized the only good place would be somewhere up high, where we'd be stupid to be. But we drove to none other than LaVerkin overlook and sat up on the mountain ridge, overlooking the city, with lightning in front of us, behind us, and above us. Another one of the stupider things I've ever done, but it seems the stupidest things are the most rewarding.
Jeff got some incredible pictures and I hope to steal some and put them on here. I'd never seen lightning like this. It was eerie and silent, but the clouds were on fire. I love the west.
Monday, August 08, 2005
Ibrahim Ferrer and the Buena Vista Social Club
Remember when they'd pass around an attendance sheet at IWU meetings or classes and strange and suspect names would suddenly appear? Or maybe that was only the religion division. I could never contain my smile when I'd watch poor Bonita go around collecting the clipboards, just imagining her trying to figure out who in the world goes by the name Jiminy Crickett or the typical Seymour Butts (I bet she figured those ones out). But my greatest joy (I mean, it literally made me kick my feet back and forth underneath me in glee) was writing Ibrahim Ferrer and the Buena Vista Social Club. I think they attended all of our senior year meetings and religion department functions.
Sad news guys. Ibrahim will no longer be attending. He passed away on Saturday.
http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/Music/08/06/ferrer.obit.ap/index.html
But don't let that keep you from checking out some great music that can transcend all musical trends and top 40 lists. Some of you may have had the pleasure of listening to it in my little Scrappy... especially a group of 6 (or 7?) of you that crammed into my car to go to Icehouse that one last time. I miss those days too much. I'll pop the cd back in tonight and reminisce.
juli
Sad news guys. Ibrahim will no longer be attending. He passed away on Saturday.
http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/Music/08/06/ferrer.obit.ap/index.html
But don't let that keep you from checking out some great music that can transcend all musical trends and top 40 lists. Some of you may have had the pleasure of listening to it in my little Scrappy... especially a group of 6 (or 7?) of you that crammed into my car to go to Icehouse that one last time. I miss those days too much. I'll pop the cd back in tonight and reminisce.
juli
Thursday, August 04, 2005
happy feet
My feet are soft. I took off my Xanterra employee shirt for the last time and kicked off my brown shoes, stripped my second skin khaki pants, and pullled off my socks to reveal clean, healthy feet. I smiled to myself as I touched the skin as if for the very first time. The mystical lady at Muddy River Books told me back in June that dry, cracked feet mean that you do not like where you are placed. How right she was. It seems my mood must have determined it all because at the time I would have given almost anything just to get out of here. I did not like where I was placed, not at all.
But now I’m soft. I have the tendency to grow fond of most anything after awhile, just because it becomes familiar and comfortable. Suddenly it doesn’t matter that my bed sheets don’t fit and are always full of little black bugs amongst the wrinkles. Suddenly it makes no difference to me whether I live in a dorm full of older men or a floor full of annoying Russian girls. I don’t mind showering behind a clear door now. I’m used to the strange stench my room always has and how my blinds are always closed keeping out the sunlight. I enjoy my trips to the hammock to make my phone calls. Driving to town to check my email is no inconvenience. Mistakes I make at work are just something more to laugh at and I laugh at the thought of how terrified I was of this job to begin with. I now realize everyone creepily knew my name the moment I got here because indeed this is a soap opera and everyone is involved in everyone’s business and I am aware of that and accept it. People I have never met before have been coming up to me today to tell me "Juli, congrats on the park ranger job. We’ll miss you around here." I want to say "Thankyou, ______," but then I realize I’ve been living in a self-centered mindset that finds no interest in knowing names.
I look up at the calendar hanging on my wall. It says August now. I remember when it seemed it would call out June forever. I think I am still under the misunderstanding that I will return home in late September expecting to start June all over again. I don’t feel like I am missing an Ohio summer. I feel like it’s not happening anyway. How could an Ohio summer be going on without me? It won’t go on without me. Can’t wait to go home in time for June picnics and July bonfires and August meteorite shower nights where we’ll sleep out in my backyard under the stars.
That calendar is one of the only things decorating my walls. I longed at night to be able to glance around a room full of color and stillframes, but it seems a part of me always knew this was just a step. My life has always been a staircase. One step leads to another. I move toward an intended destination and find once I get there that it is only another step, leading me onward. Don’t know if I ever will get to experience the top.
So there won’t be a whole lot of packing tonight. Don’t think so atleast. Just going to load up some milk crates full of books and toiletries. Fill a couple shopping bags with clothes. Gather my mexican blanket and pillow up in my arms and load my car. I move into the Park Service dorms tomorrow. Though I’ll still be around Zion, I know things will be different. I’m going to actually miss this place. I already miss my job.
I realized tonight that the old man who sits in front of the dorm all the time just staring off into space really just longs to fly. I never could figure out what was wrong with him. He looks at his feet when he walks and grunts if you say hi to him. He puts no effort into raising the corners of his mouth into any sort of smile and darts his eyes quickly away if you catch him even glancing up. I made it my goal to figure him out and get him to say a word, any word, to me. Last night I startled him out of his daze with a "Hello!" He quickly said "Hello" back to me in a squeal as if I had accused him of something. Tonight I walked past him one last time to see him intensely studying pictures of airplanes in a magazine. He just wants to escape. He needs to fly.
A lot of people here need to escape. And I hope they do. They use this place as a stepping stone (like I did) and they hope that Zion will heal their drug and alcohol addications. They use it as a stopping point just after a nasty divorce has left them dry. They try out new personalities on this eager crowd so they can go home a new person, only to find none of us believed their lies to begin with. We knew it was all fake. And many of them just sit outside the dorm, staring off into space, and look at pictures of airplanes, using this place as a rock to sit upon as they create their own world in their minds. Many succeed. Many people here are living in a fantasy world. And I hope they escape. I’ve never seen the security guard without earphones in his ears. Tonight I wondered if he just left them there all the time, no music playing, just a wall to keep others out of his world. It works.
I came here hating the thought of getting to know these people. I just wanted to get back to Ohio where everyone’s "normal." Somewhere in the past two months, these odd people have shown me the flipside of my perfect world, a place where life is not always fair. Most of the time it is extremely unfair. A place where those who were once homeless on the streets of Vegas are now doing the laundry of rich lodge guests, but a place to sleep and eat and 6 bucks and hour beats the streets they once roamed. But they still long for something more and they sit outside the dorm with me at night and tell me all their fanatic philosophies about who God really is and how we’re supposed to live our lives. They rarely give me the chance to speak, so I think I’ve been changed more than they have. I realized that everything I have ever been taught about God has been held out at arm’s length, and I bring it closer to my chest once it has been tested and made real in my life. Todd likes to prophesy to me about the end times. It has been meaningless information so far, but someday I will allow it to take shape in my own understanding. It works the other way around too. I can tell Rachel that God loves her, but I don’t think she allowed that truth into her life until last week when she enrolled, was accepted to, and attended orientation for college. She told me she knew God was clearing the way. Her evidence was the money that was placed in her hands and the paycheck that came 6 months late equalling the amount she needed. Though I’ve doubted Christianity more than ever before in my life, I believe I have grown in my faith more than ever in my life because when all is refined in the fire, the gold remains, purer than ever.
This place I once thought filthy has made me clean. I get to move to the next step tomorrow.
But now I’m soft. I have the tendency to grow fond of most anything after awhile, just because it becomes familiar and comfortable. Suddenly it doesn’t matter that my bed sheets don’t fit and are always full of little black bugs amongst the wrinkles. Suddenly it makes no difference to me whether I live in a dorm full of older men or a floor full of annoying Russian girls. I don’t mind showering behind a clear door now. I’m used to the strange stench my room always has and how my blinds are always closed keeping out the sunlight. I enjoy my trips to the hammock to make my phone calls. Driving to town to check my email is no inconvenience. Mistakes I make at work are just something more to laugh at and I laugh at the thought of how terrified I was of this job to begin with. I now realize everyone creepily knew my name the moment I got here because indeed this is a soap opera and everyone is involved in everyone’s business and I am aware of that and accept it. People I have never met before have been coming up to me today to tell me "Juli, congrats on the park ranger job. We’ll miss you around here." I want to say "Thankyou, ______," but then I realize I’ve been living in a self-centered mindset that finds no interest in knowing names.
I look up at the calendar hanging on my wall. It says August now. I remember when it seemed it would call out June forever. I think I am still under the misunderstanding that I will return home in late September expecting to start June all over again. I don’t feel like I am missing an Ohio summer. I feel like it’s not happening anyway. How could an Ohio summer be going on without me? It won’t go on without me. Can’t wait to go home in time for June picnics and July bonfires and August meteorite shower nights where we’ll sleep out in my backyard under the stars.
That calendar is one of the only things decorating my walls. I longed at night to be able to glance around a room full of color and stillframes, but it seems a part of me always knew this was just a step. My life has always been a staircase. One step leads to another. I move toward an intended destination and find once I get there that it is only another step, leading me onward. Don’t know if I ever will get to experience the top.
So there won’t be a whole lot of packing tonight. Don’t think so atleast. Just going to load up some milk crates full of books and toiletries. Fill a couple shopping bags with clothes. Gather my mexican blanket and pillow up in my arms and load my car. I move into the Park Service dorms tomorrow. Though I’ll still be around Zion, I know things will be different. I’m going to actually miss this place. I already miss my job.
I realized tonight that the old man who sits in front of the dorm all the time just staring off into space really just longs to fly. I never could figure out what was wrong with him. He looks at his feet when he walks and grunts if you say hi to him. He puts no effort into raising the corners of his mouth into any sort of smile and darts his eyes quickly away if you catch him even glancing up. I made it my goal to figure him out and get him to say a word, any word, to me. Last night I startled him out of his daze with a "Hello!" He quickly said "Hello" back to me in a squeal as if I had accused him of something. Tonight I walked past him one last time to see him intensely studying pictures of airplanes in a magazine. He just wants to escape. He needs to fly.
A lot of people here need to escape. And I hope they do. They use this place as a stepping stone (like I did) and they hope that Zion will heal their drug and alcohol addications. They use it as a stopping point just after a nasty divorce has left them dry. They try out new personalities on this eager crowd so they can go home a new person, only to find none of us believed their lies to begin with. We knew it was all fake. And many of them just sit outside the dorm, staring off into space, and look at pictures of airplanes, using this place as a rock to sit upon as they create their own world in their minds. Many succeed. Many people here are living in a fantasy world. And I hope they escape. I’ve never seen the security guard without earphones in his ears. Tonight I wondered if he just left them there all the time, no music playing, just a wall to keep others out of his world. It works.
I came here hating the thought of getting to know these people. I just wanted to get back to Ohio where everyone’s "normal." Somewhere in the past two months, these odd people have shown me the flipside of my perfect world, a place where life is not always fair. Most of the time it is extremely unfair. A place where those who were once homeless on the streets of Vegas are now doing the laundry of rich lodge guests, but a place to sleep and eat and 6 bucks and hour beats the streets they once roamed. But they still long for something more and they sit outside the dorm with me at night and tell me all their fanatic philosophies about who God really is and how we’re supposed to live our lives. They rarely give me the chance to speak, so I think I’ve been changed more than they have. I realized that everything I have ever been taught about God has been held out at arm’s length, and I bring it closer to my chest once it has been tested and made real in my life. Todd likes to prophesy to me about the end times. It has been meaningless information so far, but someday I will allow it to take shape in my own understanding. It works the other way around too. I can tell Rachel that God loves her, but I don’t think she allowed that truth into her life until last week when she enrolled, was accepted to, and attended orientation for college. She told me she knew God was clearing the way. Her evidence was the money that was placed in her hands and the paycheck that came 6 months late equalling the amount she needed. Though I’ve doubted Christianity more than ever before in my life, I believe I have grown in my faith more than ever in my life because when all is refined in the fire, the gold remains, purer than ever.
This place I once thought filthy has made me clean. I get to move to the next step tomorrow.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
The Wave
The next few pictures are from a hike we took last week out toward Lake Powell. We actually crossed the AZ border at one point. It's called the Wave. We had to get a permit the day before, pay a small chunk of money, and pray for dry skies. The next day, we drove out in my little hatchback and encountered a 7 mile stretch of dirt road and washes with a sign that said, "Warning. Road impassible when wet." All the signs told us to turn around, but we kept going cause we're stubborn like that. Even when it began to rain, that didn't matter. We were determined to check this place out. It was worth it.
The wave is one of the most mysterious rock formations I've ever seen. And that means a lot from someone out in Utah, where no rock is "normal." And the stormy skies made for some sweet pictures. If anyone ever gets the chance, you gotta do this one.
The wave is one of the most mysterious rock formations I've ever seen. And that means a lot from someone out in Utah, where no rock is "normal." And the stormy skies made for some sweet pictures. If anyone ever gets the chance, you gotta do this one.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
and these are the days of our lives...
I am so tired of this soap opera. I am ready for a change. I am one of the few people that actually enjoys the front desk job at Zion Lodge, but I am tired of fake people. There are some people I am going to miss so much when I move next Friday, but too many people know the secret- that we are only here for a few months and we get to be whatever fantasy characters we want to be for those few months and rumors are meant to be spread because there's nothing else to talk about. I hope this is a good change for me.
I will be working at the entrance station to the park now. Yes, I have to wear the offical park ranger getup, with the ugly green pants pulled up way too high and the silly smokey the bear hat falling over my eyes. My friends here from the Lodge are going to fly past the entrance station now yelling "Traitor!" But the good side of all this... I get to have a change. I get to be a park ranger. I will be in the park service, which means I can transfer to one closer to home pretty easily. And I will be paid more than twice what I get at the lodge. The money thing was honestly the last thing I realized about this job. I never expected to make much money in life. This will be a convenient side-note... a very convenient one.
All this came about in such an odd way. A park ranger named Sam gave me an application one day, saying I'd really enjoy this job. I had never talked to Sam about my job or any desires to leave it or work for the Park Service, though I did want to get in. So I thought about filling it out, missed the due date, woke up the following Monday and decided what the heck, I'll turn in something just to say I did. I half-heartedly filled some stuff out, made some type of resume, and went to the office to turn it in. When I walked in, I changed my mind and said, "you know what? nevermind. I don't want to waste your time with this because I just realized I'd have no place to live even if you hired me. Could you just keep this till this fall maybe when you can offer housing?" A few days later I get a call saying they found housing and they need me to work now. So I debated forever and was discussing it with one of my managers one day and I told him how I just really need to know the reason why Sam gave me the application in the first place. That would help me decide. If it was just some gut feeling, I'd give all this a second look. I trust gut. I turned around and walking straight toward the desk was Sam. And the first words he says to me are, "You know Juli? I really think you need to take this job. I didn't tell you, but I just had a feeling about it. That's why I gave you the application. There was no real reason, just a gut feeling."
I took the job.
I will be working at the entrance station to the park now. Yes, I have to wear the offical park ranger getup, with the ugly green pants pulled up way too high and the silly smokey the bear hat falling over my eyes. My friends here from the Lodge are going to fly past the entrance station now yelling "Traitor!" But the good side of all this... I get to have a change. I get to be a park ranger. I will be in the park service, which means I can transfer to one closer to home pretty easily. And I will be paid more than twice what I get at the lodge. The money thing was honestly the last thing I realized about this job. I never expected to make much money in life. This will be a convenient side-note... a very convenient one.
All this came about in such an odd way. A park ranger named Sam gave me an application one day, saying I'd really enjoy this job. I had never talked to Sam about my job or any desires to leave it or work for the Park Service, though I did want to get in. So I thought about filling it out, missed the due date, woke up the following Monday and decided what the heck, I'll turn in something just to say I did. I half-heartedly filled some stuff out, made some type of resume, and went to the office to turn it in. When I walked in, I changed my mind and said, "you know what? nevermind. I don't want to waste your time with this because I just realized I'd have no place to live even if you hired me. Could you just keep this till this fall maybe when you can offer housing?" A few days later I get a call saying they found housing and they need me to work now. So I debated forever and was discussing it with one of my managers one day and I told him how I just really need to know the reason why Sam gave me the application in the first place. That would help me decide. If it was just some gut feeling, I'd give all this a second look. I trust gut. I turned around and walking straight toward the desk was Sam. And the first words he says to me are, "You know Juli? I really think you need to take this job. I didn't tell you, but I just had a feeling about it. That's why I gave you the application. There was no real reason, just a gut feeling."
I took the job.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
red rocks vs. naked bums in my face
A couple weeks ago, I was given an application for a park service job (to be a "ranger"... not the cool kind, but the mean, fee-taking, pretend you're tough but really powerless kind) because one of the rangers thought I'd really like this job. I turned it in but I told them that I was interested in a job starting after this one ends in September. Well, the other day when I went to pick up my parents from their flight to Las Vegas, my phone rang and it was the park service to let me know they want me to start on the 24th... It all depends if they can find housing for me or not, but I can't figure out what to do. It would be great money, but I'm finally getting the hang of this job at the lodge. I'm not ready to sacrifice the little social life I have here in the dorms yet either.
Speaking of the great social life in the dorms... The other night I came back to the dorm and sat around the front yard with 5 older guys that live upstairs. Sad reality... sometimes I can relate to these older men better than the college age goofs that live in the other dorm. I hope that doesn't mean I've become old and rigid and mature. But the night took a turn of excitement none of us expected when a man three doors down from me was threatening another guy with his knife collection because he had been off his medication for a couple weeks now. Soon the rangers arrived in their little ranger-cop cars and came up the hill to our dorm. All of us took off. I went to my room and locked the door. I had no clue if I should expect a series of gunfire or if I could open my door and peer down the hallway to watch the guy be taken away half-sober in handcuffs. Later that night, when I thought all of the chaos was over, I went to the bathroom to get ready for bed and almost ran right into the rangers as I came out. They were leaving without the man and without the knife collection. I wasn't surprised to hear that his roomate never came to bed that night. I think he must have slept in the hammock down by the other dorms.
On Sunday, a group of us hiked up the Narrows and alittle ways down Orderville canyon and back. It was incredible. If you've never heard of the Narrows, it is the world-famous hike here. Supposedly one of the very best hikes you can do in the US. Our guide was actually the superintendent of Zion National Park... pretty special opportunity to get to hike with the big guy. He's part of the ministry support committee here for the three of us who do the services in the park. This is the only national park where the head of the park is so involved with the Christian ministry like this. So he took us through the Narrows and taught us all kinds of things we'd never have known. Cannot wait to do the full hike someday.
That night, we went to his house and had dinner together and my parents came along. Then we headed off for Vegas, randomly. We had no real plans, except that I had Monday off and we had no place to stay for the night anyway. The night was gorgeous. Wildfires lit up the mountain as we drove away from the little town of Hurricane. We drove through a canyon and the moonlight lit up the cliffs on my right. The heat was so intense that the breeze through the window stung my eyes. Then we came over a ridge and the city just glowed golden across the horizon. The heat rising in the city made the lights flicker and glisten. We stayed in the MGM Grand. I felt very insignificant in that giant hotel, but it was worth the experience. Went and saw the strip and finally got to sleep at 4 am. Saw a magic show yesterday because it was one of the only shows minus naked bodies I was ok with seeing with my parents. Saw enough naked bodies on the trash laying on the street. Saw enough of Vegas. Sorry, I'm not a huge fan. I like being back in Zion, back where the red rocks are glowing outside my window in the rising moonlight.
Speaking of the great social life in the dorms... The other night I came back to the dorm and sat around the front yard with 5 older guys that live upstairs. Sad reality... sometimes I can relate to these older men better than the college age goofs that live in the other dorm. I hope that doesn't mean I've become old and rigid and mature. But the night took a turn of excitement none of us expected when a man three doors down from me was threatening another guy with his knife collection because he had been off his medication for a couple weeks now. Soon the rangers arrived in their little ranger-cop cars and came up the hill to our dorm. All of us took off. I went to my room and locked the door. I had no clue if I should expect a series of gunfire or if I could open my door and peer down the hallway to watch the guy be taken away half-sober in handcuffs. Later that night, when I thought all of the chaos was over, I went to the bathroom to get ready for bed and almost ran right into the rangers as I came out. They were leaving without the man and without the knife collection. I wasn't surprised to hear that his roomate never came to bed that night. I think he must have slept in the hammock down by the other dorms.
On Sunday, a group of us hiked up the Narrows and alittle ways down Orderville canyon and back. It was incredible. If you've never heard of the Narrows, it is the world-famous hike here. Supposedly one of the very best hikes you can do in the US. Our guide was actually the superintendent of Zion National Park... pretty special opportunity to get to hike with the big guy. He's part of the ministry support committee here for the three of us who do the services in the park. This is the only national park where the head of the park is so involved with the Christian ministry like this. So he took us through the Narrows and taught us all kinds of things we'd never have known. Cannot wait to do the full hike someday.
That night, we went to his house and had dinner together and my parents came along. Then we headed off for Vegas, randomly. We had no real plans, except that I had Monday off and we had no place to stay for the night anyway. The night was gorgeous. Wildfires lit up the mountain as we drove away from the little town of Hurricane. We drove through a canyon and the moonlight lit up the cliffs on my right. The heat was so intense that the breeze through the window stung my eyes. Then we came over a ridge and the city just glowed golden across the horizon. The heat rising in the city made the lights flicker and glisten. We stayed in the MGM Grand. I felt very insignificant in that giant hotel, but it was worth the experience. Went and saw the strip and finally got to sleep at 4 am. Saw a magic show yesterday because it was one of the only shows minus naked bodies I was ok with seeing with my parents. Saw enough naked bodies on the trash laying on the street. Saw enough of Vegas. Sorry, I'm not a huge fan. I like being back in Zion, back where the red rocks are glowing outside my window in the rising moonlight.
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
sick
i am
so sick
of the nightly drunk people
and the way they choose
to have theological conversations with you
at midnight
yet never take a moment from
their own ramblings
for you to squeeze in a little
"I'm sorry, I'm falling asleep. I need to go to bed now."
so sick
of the nightly drunk people
and the way they choose
to have theological conversations with you
at midnight
yet never take a moment from
their own ramblings
for you to squeeze in a little
"I'm sorry, I'm falling asleep. I need to go to bed now."
Sunday, July 03, 2005
I'm in DC right now, trying to figure out something fun to do with my brother. Just got off of a long weekend in Pennsylvania with the entire family. We were having a reunion to celebrate our roots with a pretty sweet guy Judge White (all you who ever wondered about my middle name...). I have a strange family. But the weekend was without a single dull moment. Had family come from California, Arizona, Texas, Ohio, Vermont, (Utah), and Sweden! And some other places I can't remember.
I think I've finally caught up on some sleep. Last weekend Jeremy and Karla came to visit me. Spent monday, tuesday, and wednesday camping out behind the dorms in Zion. I took off Wednesday to go hiking with them. Went out to eat and met up with Matt, Tim, and Phil who then stayed till Friday. It was so good to see familiar faces again. I love those guys. All of us were tripping on our own feet because we were so sleepy- Tim and Phil from driving out from Indiana, me from staying up each night with Jeremy and Karla- but we all decided Wednesday night that we needed to get a hike in before I had to leave for Pennsylvania. So at 11 pm we set out on Angel's Landing trail. One of the stupider things I've done. The moon never came out and it is pitch black out there. We'd peer over the cliff with our little headlamps and it was so far down that the light never reached anything to light up. Just darkness. And a creepy, chilly wind. But we were all to proud to ever turn around. We can say we've hiked Angel's landing, but we cannot say we've ever seen it. Got maybe an hour and a half of sleep that night before going to work at 6 am.
Caught a shuttle to Vegas after meeting the guys one last time to get some gelato. Slept a bit in my layover in Denver but was awakened and alert when I heard a Jehova's Witness try to witness to a Mormon. Was too sleepy to add my two cents. It was very interesting to listen to. I wish we could all learn to keep our ears open when someone of another faith begins to share. Instead, we argue our points even harder and shut up our minds even tighter. Didn't get any sleep on the flight to Baltimore because I met an interesting guy who I talked to for the entire 5 hours or so. He reminded me so much of Anthony Riske! Even worked at a Christian "adventure" camp. Actually, I think I tricked my mind into thinking it was Riske just because it felt so nice to talk to an old friend again. I didn't mind that I didn't get any sleep again. I made it up on this weekend.
Hope to write more often now that I'm getting internet issues worked out. I'm told there's a hotel in town I can go to to get wireless... and no annoying librarians who give me a few minutes and then roll their eyes and sigh when I ask for a couple more. Also, I'm going to figure out the picture thing... soon!
I love visitors, so if you're in the area of Utah, let me know. I'll find you a place to stay. Sorry this post is uninspiring, unenthusiastic, lacking big words and fancy philosphies, but just a story of what I've done in the past week. I'll have to get that mystical side of my brain working again soon. It's been taking a long break.
I think I've finally caught up on some sleep. Last weekend Jeremy and Karla came to visit me. Spent monday, tuesday, and wednesday camping out behind the dorms in Zion. I took off Wednesday to go hiking with them. Went out to eat and met up with Matt, Tim, and Phil who then stayed till Friday. It was so good to see familiar faces again. I love those guys. All of us were tripping on our own feet because we were so sleepy- Tim and Phil from driving out from Indiana, me from staying up each night with Jeremy and Karla- but we all decided Wednesday night that we needed to get a hike in before I had to leave for Pennsylvania. So at 11 pm we set out on Angel's Landing trail. One of the stupider things I've done. The moon never came out and it is pitch black out there. We'd peer over the cliff with our little headlamps and it was so far down that the light never reached anything to light up. Just darkness. And a creepy, chilly wind. But we were all to proud to ever turn around. We can say we've hiked Angel's landing, but we cannot say we've ever seen it. Got maybe an hour and a half of sleep that night before going to work at 6 am.
Caught a shuttle to Vegas after meeting the guys one last time to get some gelato. Slept a bit in my layover in Denver but was awakened and alert when I heard a Jehova's Witness try to witness to a Mormon. Was too sleepy to add my two cents. It was very interesting to listen to. I wish we could all learn to keep our ears open when someone of another faith begins to share. Instead, we argue our points even harder and shut up our minds even tighter. Didn't get any sleep on the flight to Baltimore because I met an interesting guy who I talked to for the entire 5 hours or so. He reminded me so much of Anthony Riske! Even worked at a Christian "adventure" camp. Actually, I think I tricked my mind into thinking it was Riske just because it felt so nice to talk to an old friend again. I didn't mind that I didn't get any sleep again. I made it up on this weekend.
Hope to write more often now that I'm getting internet issues worked out. I'm told there's a hotel in town I can go to to get wireless... and no annoying librarians who give me a few minutes and then roll their eyes and sigh when I ask for a couple more. Also, I'm going to figure out the picture thing... soon!
I love visitors, so if you're in the area of Utah, let me know. I'll find you a place to stay. Sorry this post is uninspiring, unenthusiastic, lacking big words and fancy philosphies, but just a story of what I've done in the past week. I'll have to get that mystical side of my brain working again soon. It's been taking a long break.
Monday, June 13, 2005
Zion
I only have a few minutes left to use the internet. I'm at a small cafe in Springdale, UT cause I haven't "bought" my library card yet. I live at the bottom of Zion Canyon, so I don't have internet or phone reception. So if you've tried to get ahold of me, be patient, ok? I have to ride the shuttle to the bus stop to find reception. It is my office.
I love the view here. Red rocks and cliffs and rich red dirt. It feels like home. But it's definitely been an adjustment. The people here are all very different from what I'm used to. They're not even all mormons. They're just, different. I can't figure it out yet. But it really makes me miss home and my family and friends. I never realized how normal you all were.
My job is at the main lodge in the park. I work the front desk where I answer questions I don't know the answers to and check people in and out of their rooms. And occasionally I steal a credit card or two. (on accident of course!)
I live in a dorm. It's called Overlook. It is up on a hillside in the canyon, so we get a bit of a view. My roommate is Oxana. She is from Russia. Really heavy men must live above me because they wake me up at 4 in the morning doing some ritualistic dance where they throw their shoes down from waste-high and then stomp around in circles awhile. I haven't quite figured out the beat yet. Upstairs is mostly 40 year old and up men. Downstairs it's us girls and some random guys thrown in. Very different from IWU. I'm definitely out of the bubble.
Ok, gotta go. I'll try to update this more often. Let me know what you guys are doing when you get the chance! juleschiquita@yahoo.com
juli
I love the view here. Red rocks and cliffs and rich red dirt. It feels like home. But it's definitely been an adjustment. The people here are all very different from what I'm used to. They're not even all mormons. They're just, different. I can't figure it out yet. But it really makes me miss home and my family and friends. I never realized how normal you all were.
My job is at the main lodge in the park. I work the front desk where I answer questions I don't know the answers to and check people in and out of their rooms. And occasionally I steal a credit card or two. (on accident of course!)
I live in a dorm. It's called Overlook. It is up on a hillside in the canyon, so we get a bit of a view. My roommate is Oxana. She is from Russia. Really heavy men must live above me because they wake me up at 4 in the morning doing some ritualistic dance where they throw their shoes down from waste-high and then stomp around in circles awhile. I haven't quite figured out the beat yet. Upstairs is mostly 40 year old and up men. Downstairs it's us girls and some random guys thrown in. Very different from IWU. I'm definitely out of the bubble.
Ok, gotta go. I'll try to update this more often. Let me know what you guys are doing when you get the chance! juleschiquita@yahoo.com
juli
Thursday, May 12, 2005
out in Cali
I am in Wrightwood, California right now using the computer for the 15 minutes I get, so this is just a quick update. Drury, Kara, Jeff, Ryan and I are all out in California hiking a section of the Pacific Crest Trail. Even though our trip is very short compared to the rest of these hikers we meet that are going all the way to Canada, it's been a journey for us. I went into this thinking it was all Mohave desert and glorious sunshine... but it's the rainiest season on record for California I'm told and I believe it. There's never a lack of clean water to drink though. We've had blistering hot days (not many) and we've had sleet and rain. It's been incredible how people have stepped in and helped us just when we need it. I can't wait to write about all that's happened. I told Kara I'm writing a short story. It's called "I hugged a tree and found Jesus."
Hope to catch up with everyone soon!
Hope to catch up with everyone soon!
Thursday, April 28, 2005
letting the shadows go
Disclaimer: If you can't wait to leave college, this isn't for you to read. You'll just think I'm full of crap and that I'm trying to make a huge deal out of just another reality of life. You'll think I'm being too sentimental and flowery. So do me a favor and don't read this if that's you.
I am sitting here in my room typing on a keyboard that sits alone in my top drawer with some loose change. My desk is otherwise empty. My room is empty except for the crates on the floor filled with stuff ready to take home. Katrina moved out tonight and it feels so wierd to look at her corner of the room and accept the fact that she's not coming back. We've lived together for four years now and saying goodbye this time was strange. I can't say that I'll see her next fall. I hate changes.
I laid in bed last night forcing my eyes to stay open, memorizing every corner of our room before it got all packed up and before Katrina moved out, thinking if I stayed awake and memorized it, it would never leave me. I am too easily attached. Change is exciting, but only once I get over the initial shock of losing something comfortable and familiar.
I had to write down all that I was feeling because words finally came to describe it all...
I've heard it said that some are looking forward to never looking back. As I lay here thinking about these four years, I realize I seem to be looking forward to never letting go. I wrap myself around my body pillow, my "husband" I called it freshman year, and I glance around every corner of the room.
Wild light displays slide across the ceiling from cars driving by, lighting areas of the room I missed. My eyes dart back and forth, taking still frames, capturing every piece of this memory
and holding it so it cannot get away. I memorize the familiar shadows. They've been faithful to me, remaining the same all year. When I lay on my back each night and pray, my eyes converse with the forms of this room. And these forms I will not forget.
I want to lay here till sunrise and let the sun steal the shadows away from me because I am unwilling to give them up myself. And I'm afraid to sleep because I fear memories will pack up and sneak out in the dark of the night when I'm not looking.
So I lay here, holding my husband and holding everything hostage.
Katrina sleeps in the bed beneath me. As long as I lie here awake, our last night living together after four years will never end. The sun can only steal that away from me too.
I know soon I will be drifting into sleep and this final night will sneak out. And I will be alone in this room for three days and then I will say farewell to the shadows. They will change when Katrina moves out. I bid farewell to these ones tonight and I will glance down and see Katrina sleeping in the bed below and I will say bye to her too.
But all ends are new beginnings. That's what keeps us moving. We finally learn the journey was the purpose of the destination, not the other way around. We find that once we reach any real destination, we must make new plans for another one because the destination we found only ends up being a load of crap.
The journey's been great. This destination is so sad that I've decided I need to start the next journey as soon as I can. I will go to sleep now and let the shadows go home. I'm ready to start that next journey now.
I am sitting here in my room typing on a keyboard that sits alone in my top drawer with some loose change. My desk is otherwise empty. My room is empty except for the crates on the floor filled with stuff ready to take home. Katrina moved out tonight and it feels so wierd to look at her corner of the room and accept the fact that she's not coming back. We've lived together for four years now and saying goodbye this time was strange. I can't say that I'll see her next fall. I hate changes.
I laid in bed last night forcing my eyes to stay open, memorizing every corner of our room before it got all packed up and before Katrina moved out, thinking if I stayed awake and memorized it, it would never leave me. I am too easily attached. Change is exciting, but only once I get over the initial shock of losing something comfortable and familiar.
I had to write down all that I was feeling because words finally came to describe it all...
I've heard it said that some are looking forward to never looking back. As I lay here thinking about these four years, I realize I seem to be looking forward to never letting go. I wrap myself around my body pillow, my "husband" I called it freshman year, and I glance around every corner of the room.
Wild light displays slide across the ceiling from cars driving by, lighting areas of the room I missed. My eyes dart back and forth, taking still frames, capturing every piece of this memory
and holding it so it cannot get away. I memorize the familiar shadows. They've been faithful to me, remaining the same all year. When I lay on my back each night and pray, my eyes converse with the forms of this room. And these forms I will not forget.
I want to lay here till sunrise and let the sun steal the shadows away from me because I am unwilling to give them up myself. And I'm afraid to sleep because I fear memories will pack up and sneak out in the dark of the night when I'm not looking.
So I lay here, holding my husband and holding everything hostage.
Katrina sleeps in the bed beneath me. As long as I lie here awake, our last night living together after four years will never end. The sun can only steal that away from me too.
I know soon I will be drifting into sleep and this final night will sneak out. And I will be alone in this room for three days and then I will say farewell to the shadows. They will change when Katrina moves out. I bid farewell to these ones tonight and I will glance down and see Katrina sleeping in the bed below and I will say bye to her too.
But all ends are new beginnings. That's what keeps us moving. We finally learn the journey was the purpose of the destination, not the other way around. We find that once we reach any real destination, we must make new plans for another one because the destination we found only ends up being a load of crap.
The journey's been great. This destination is so sad that I've decided I need to start the next journey as soon as I can. I will go to sleep now and let the shadows go home. I'm ready to start that next journey now.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
All good things come to an end
The following is proof that I have completed my college career. I guess a picture at graduation would be better proof, but this is all I have to offer right now. You have to start at the bottom of the pictures. I got a little carried away...
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