scrapbook memories

As God's child, I have the freedom to confess things aren't all perfect and pretty all the time. In the past year or so, I have struggled no longer with doubts of His existence. My struggle is whether He cares about me or not. For sure I see God at work in the lives around me and on this campus and all over the world, but it's amazing how easy it is to doubt He works in me. My mind's got a grip on it. My knowledge says an extremely assured YES! But my heart, always doubting, has had a hard time accepting this fact... probably because it's not just a "fact." It's a reality, it's a feeling, it's a soul-surrender to a Greater Being that desires to know ME. And love ME. And would die for ME. My head knows it. My heart just won't accept it.

I wrote this a few nights ago...

Tonight you are a distant memory
I long for you to be by my side.
I sit here and ask to feel your touch,
hear your voice,
see your face.
But I am accompanied only by silence,
and the faint memory of when you were here.
Or was all that just a dream?
I've got this book here
and it begs me flip through its pages.
Says I'll find you there if I do.
Well, I just might give it a try.
I open the scrapbook and my heart smiles.
Though I could never feel more distant from You,
I will remember when I knew You were here.
Psalm 77.

(Even if Your footsteps are unseen)

I won't be all serious all the time with this blog thingy (I can't bring myself to just call it a blog for some silly reason), but this is what's on my mind today. Do you know the feeling? It's frustrating, but intriguing at the same time. You want to give up sometimes but you have an even stronger desire than ever to place your faith in God and see what He does with it.